Couples & Relationship Therapy
Navigating relationships are difficult!
Common Relationship Issues and Concerns
Has there been an infidelity that has been discovered or disclosed? Perhaps you have cheated on your partner, and don’t know how to navigate the betrayal. Are you in a relationship that feels like a roommate situation? Maybe you haven’t engaged in sex in months, or years! Did you just have a baby, or are navigating young kids and find your relationship is lack lustre, or even irritating? Perhaps you have just gotten engaged, or are thinking about long term commitment, or even marriage, and want some assistance on navigating communication, shared values, and merging family systems. Did you ‘open up’ your marriage, and are struggling with feelings of jealousy over new partners? How does one navigate polyamory after years of living in monogamy? Have you been married for 30 years, love your partner, and yet are thinking that you would both be better off parting ways? Does one partner’s trauma affect the relational dynamics? If only your partner did XYZ… things would be better?
These are all valid reasons to seek out couples therapy, whether you are dating, married, common law, or are in open relationships (ENM, polycule). Navigating relationships are difficult!
How Can Couple’s Therapy Help?
- Betrayal trauma (infidelity)
- Understanding attachment styles
- Communication
- Increased intimacy and connection
- Understanding shared values and systems of meanings
- Learning Love Maps
- Identifying the 4 Horsemen (Gottman- precursors of divorce)
- How to navigate more than 1 partner
- Navigating big life changes like having a baby, or retirement
- Emotional regulation
- Navigating effects of trauma
- Desire and eroticism
- Responsibilities and the ‘mental load’
Repeated Patterns in Relationships
Sometimes we reach an impasse within our relationships or find that patterns are being repeated with no change. Freud referred to these constant relational patterns as repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is the unconscious tendency that people must repeat a circumstance as an attempt to gain mastery over the situation. From a psychodynamic lens, as well as biopsychosocial, people often repeat, both consciously and unconsciously, the relational patterns that they experienced in early childhood, with their parents, caregivers, close family and friends, as well as cultural. Awareness of these patterns, and attachment woundings often help to support the healing and connectedness within our relationships. Whether you find yourself in an avoidant-anxious dance with your partner, arguing over household tasks, or navigating the impact of infidelity or an affair, couples therapy can help to support both partners. That said, you do not need to wait until you reach an impasse or attachment trauma with your partner(s), just like individual therapy, couples’ sessions can also help to build awareness, intimacy, conflict resolution and communication skills. Couples/triad/poly therapy does not have to be a last-ditch effort to make or break the relationship. It’s not a ‘set or forget it’ strategy, as people are always evolving and changing, which will ultimately affect the relational dynamics.
Inclusive Relationship Counselling and Therapy
I use an integrative approach with couples, triads, ethical non-monogamy (ENM), polyamorous couples, that includes Gottman Method Couples Counselling, which is a research evidence-based approach that involves talk therapy, assessments, and intervention strategies that help to strengthen the weak areas within partnership. I prioritize both autonomy and connection within couple’s/triads/poly therapy. There is an emphasis on shared values, intimacy, and friendship building. Maintaining safety within relationship is essential for deep emotions to be shared. Building empathy for one’s partner(s) is important, as well as conceptualizing relational and attachment difficulties, and disrupting dysfunctional relational patterns.
What Does Couples/Triads/Poly Sessions Look Like?
Session 1
The first session is a joined session with all parties in the relationship present. It is an opportunity to establish goal setting, to identify presenting concerns, and to go over the history of the relationship dynamics from the beginning. It is essentially an ‘intake’ for the relationship. We want to identify strengths, and areas that can be improved upon. I also suggest that couples complete the Gottman Assessment, which is an in-depth analysis, self-assessment that takes about 20 minutes to complete, which helps to create a roadmap of the relationship. It utilizes Gottman’s nine key principles of relationships to help you understand your relationship better.
Session 2 and 3
After our initial meeting and couples/triad/poly intake, the next sessions are 1:1 individual session, which includes individual intakes, assessing for ongoing affairs, intimate partner violence (IPV), and other contraindications that may require termination or re-evaluation of couple’s sessions. The 1:1 session also allows each individual space and time to share and identify from their subjective reality, what the presenting concerns are, and what supports they require. Family history gathering is important, as it provides context as to how the relationship may be playing out. Please be aware that the therapist is not obligated to hold secrets, and that total transparency is required to move forward with couple’s therapy.
Session 4 and Beyond
After the initial couples/triad/poly intake, as well as individual intakes have been completed, we then move forward with all parties involved. The fourth session generally allows for identification of issues, and if the couple has completed the Gottman Assessments, we proceed with a summation of areas of strengths and weakness. We can then proceed with exercises and learn new tools to improve the quality of the relationship(s). While there is never a guarantee that couples therapy will extend the longevity of the relationship(s)/marriage, it provides a space for you to show up, be vulnerable and curious, and honor both yourself and the people in your lives.